The Large One
Member Since: 20 Apr 2007
Location: Down the polytunnel
Posts: 6143
  
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Just had this sent to me
still wiping the tears out my eyes
* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope
that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of
humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway
* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only
had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with
the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours
* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they
say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue
serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.
* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies
for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius
* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my
local.
* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down
* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside
her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my
grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and
children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France
(again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.
* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the
people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .
* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards
telling us motorists where they lead to.
* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has
ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
* So Sting is able to sh.g his wife for five hours without going off. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the
other one? TLO has left the building.......
I no longer work for a Landrover Dealer
My little chilli sauce business http://www.thechillees.co.uk
if you would like to order anything just give me a shout
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 28th Aug 2009 11:58 am |
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Willy Eckerslike
Member Since: 12 Jan 2009
Location: N Yorks
Posts: 1612
 
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Nice one  Club Pie n Pea
One life....Fish it
D3 Gone but not forgotten
Club Men of Oak
Club Walnut sniffers
D4 Van owner
Ents long lost Uncle
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| 28th Aug 2009 12:13 pm |
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PaulP
Member Since: 04 May 2007
Location: Barcelona
Posts: 4317
 
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| Re: A bit of friday humour |
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The Large One wrote: * What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they
say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
I've been an insulin-dependant diabetic for 20 odd years and always say the same whenever someone tries to insist on making me eat deserts or chocolate....
.....until my wife says "yes but the other night I found you sitting on the kitchen floor at 3am stuffing Mars bars into your mouth - and it didn't kill you then.....just order it anyway and I'll eat it when no-ones looking"...  2006 Discovery 3 TDV6 SE Auto Buckingham Blue
2007 Golf GT DSG
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| 28th Aug 2009 1:28 pm |
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Stu
Member Since: 08 Feb 2009
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 2423
 
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Particularly liked the NHS comment.
 D3 HSE MY05 Auto
Expo Rack, Club MTR, LR Spots, A Bar, Light Guards, GNVP Sump Guard, GNVP Ladder, Cup Holders, RLD A Bar brackets. Disco3Club stickers, Aux power on Mod
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| 28th Aug 2009 2:05 pm |
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