Member Since: 09 Aug 2006
Location: East Manchester
Posts: 4030
Friday humour.................this time on a friday!!!
For all those that saw my error last night with the thread that is now titled Thursday Humour
Some Quotes from Famous Comedians to cheer you all up
PAUL O’GRADY ... I’ve come back from the grave more times than a necrophiliac at an orgy.
JIMMY CARR ... I’ve got no problem buying tampons. I’m a modern man. But, apparently, they’re not a ’proper’ present.
FRANK SKINNER ... a dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that’s surprised by its own farts
PETER KAY ... Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
WOODY ALLEN ... I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
JIMMY TARBUCK ... Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers the other day? Everyone.
RUSSELL BRAND ... No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He has been feeding off I Don’t Like Mondays for 30 years.
ANDY PARSONS ... You’d never hear Superman saying: "Hey Lois, just before we fly off I need to check if any of your liquids are over 100ml".
BILLY CONNOLLY ... Toblerones! It’s impossible to eat a Toblerone without hurting yourself.
JOE PASQUALE ... If you look like your passport photo you’re too ill to travel.
ALAN CARR ... On the school bus the further back you were, the more sexually active you were. I was up the front with the driver.
LEE MACK ... I’m in a relationship and my partner is carrying our first child. He’s eight years old, lazy little...
DARA O’BRIAIN ... The best thing about buying illegal DVDs is you don’t have to sit through that annoying warning about buying illegal DVDs.
DAVE ALLEN ... We spend our lives on the run: We get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock,
get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A clock
JO BRAND ... If you have a fat partner, don’t worry. There’s a solution. Get them to walk three miles in the morning and three miles in the evening. After a week, they’ll be 42 miles away.
JENNY ECLAIR ... I’ve had my nipples pierced. Why? Because I was sick of losing my car keys. The only trouble is that I have got this really elongated nipple from shoving the keys in the ignition.
JASPER CARROTT ... London - what a waste of time. I mean Dick Whittington went to London thinking the streets are paved with gold. Probably why they call him Dick.
JACK DEE ... Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It’s called Not Poodle.
BOB MONKHOUSE ... When I first said I wanted to be a comedian, everybody laughed. They’re not laughing now.
BILL BAILEY ... My first job was selling doors, door to door. That’s a tough job, isn’t it? Ding dong. "Can I interest you in a... Oh, you’ve got one already haven’t you? Well, never mind...".
SEAN LOCK ... I got the worst Christmas present ever in my life. My sister gave me a Grow Your Own Loofah kit. It was a clay pot, a bag of earth and five seeds. And I think the clay pot hit her hardest
JOAN RIVERS ... I don’t exercise. If God wanted me to bend over he’d have put diamonds on the floor
RUSSELL HOWARD ... You think hot tubs are going to be amazing but you realise after about a minute that you’re actually having a bath outside with your mum.
JETHRO ... I went into the chip shop with a salmon over my shoulder. I said: "Do you sell fish cakes?" The man behind the counter said: "No". I said: "Tis a pity, it’s his birthday today".
BARRY HUMPHRIES ... To live in Australia permanently is rather like going to a party and dancing all night with one’s mother.
VICTORIA WOOD ... Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch breakfast TV.
CHUBBY BROWN ... Me and my wife’s divorce has been taking ages because of arguments over the custody of the kids. Neither of us wants them.
ROBIN WILLIAMS ... We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
FRANK CARSON ... So I rang up British Telecom. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again".
JACKIE MASON ... I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
AL MURRAY ... We British, we don’t have a dream, do we? No, it’s because we’re wide awake.
TIM VINE ... I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil? Crematoriums.
EDDIE IZZARD ... I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
HARRY ENFIELD ... About ten years ago I appeared on Wogan as myself. The next day a man came up to me in the street and said: "You’re Harry Enfield, aren’t you? I love your characters! Stavros cracks me up and as for Loadsamoney - he’s the biz! But I saw you on Wogan last night. You’re a right prat in real life, aren’t you?".
LENNY HENRY ... Back in the day, if you got punched at school you kept it to yourself. Now you go straight to the head teacher: "Peter Wilkins has been punching me every day since the start of term. I don’t want to teach him any more".
TOMMY COOPER ... Do you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said "Parking Fine". So that was nice.
KEN DODD ... There was a lad called Simon, who had his legs cut off in the saw mill where he worked. Very conveniently, his uncle died at more or less the same time. So they transplanted the uncle’s legs to the legless nephew, who later went on Stars in Their Eyes: "Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be Simon and Half-uncle".
FRANKIE HOWERD ... (On PM Harold Macmillan) I was on a cycle rally and we were passing Chequers. I thought, I’ll nip in. "I’m sorry," I told him. I was very forthright - stupid to be anything else. I said, "Harold, be careful", I said: "Harold, don’t rush into this, I beg you." I don’t think he got the message. Well, it’s very difficult when you’re shouting through a letterbox!
LES DAWSON ... In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this lavatory.
ED BYRNE ... You know you’ve fallen in love because you can’t stand to see the other person suffer in any way. If my girlfriend cuts her knee or something, I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish it happened to me instead - I’d rather I felt the pain for her than hear her moan about it.
CHRIS ROCK ... The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they’re not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like: "If you’d done that in the movie, you’d have won an Oscar, girl".
RICKY GERVAIS ... My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990. He has been out about 18 years now - and he hasn’t reoffended.
FRANKIE BOYLE ... George Bush says that when he retires he is going to make a living from speaking. Play to your strengths eh, George. That’s like Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets.I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Buzz Aldrin (1930 -
1st May 2009 5:34 pm
DG Site Moderator
Member Since: 12 Dec 2005
Location: The Gaff
Posts: 50934
I love Frankie Boyle 8)
Quote:
Remember years ago when they were making Braveheart? Everyone was saying, "Oh, its ridiculous; Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy? That's not going to be very convincing!"
But take a look at him now: ...............an alcoholic Racist!
1st May 2009 5:40 pm
SJR
Member Since: 09 Aug 2006
Location: East Manchester
Posts: 4030
Frankie Boyle is one of the funniest guys on the comedy circuit right now, because he has the balls to cross the line of acceptability, in a way that most comedians have become reluctant to do because of fear of the backlash from the PC brigade I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Buzz Aldrin (1930 -
Remember years ago when they were making Braveheart? Everyone was saying, "Oh, its ridiculous; Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy? That's not going to be very convincing!"
But take a look at him now: ...............an alcoholic Racist!
No worries mate! The older I get, the more I realise that people confuse wrinkles for wisdom
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For all those that saw my error last night with the thread that is now titled Thursday Humour 
