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ad15
Member Since: 14 Dec 2008
Location: up that tree
Posts: 4866
  
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| little known facts about the SAS |
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All UK pubs are required by law to have one alcoholic regular who used to be a member of the SAS and was 2nd Man On the Balcony at the Iranian Embassy.
Contrary to popular belief, Andy McNab's real name is not Cyril Clunge. They are two entirely different individuals... allegedly.
All British soldiers have a mate who knows McNab and thinks that he's either a good bloke or a tosser.
During selection, potential SAS recruits are required to bite the head off a live ferret - except in Dog Soldiers where they have to shoot a live dog!
All SAS men must now sign a contract agreeing never to disclose anything about their service, never to call any officer 'Sir' and never to trim their moustaches.
The wine served in both messes at Stirling Lines (complete with winged dagger SAS motif wine label) is in fact, cheap German wine purchased from the local Netto.
Inside the Sgt's Mess in a glass case is a dressed up mannequin in genuine Iranian Embassy garb! Only it's not a mannequin. It is in fact none other than Lofty Wiseman, who is paid to stand in the glass case completely still from 12.30pm until the bar closes around midnight. He is entitled to free food and refreshments in the bar too.
They are vulnerable to kryptonite, but only during a full moon.
All serving SAS soldiers are discreet, witty, down-to-earth, good blokes; none of them are Waltish, swollen-headed, egotistical, prima donnas with a hotline to the Daily Mirror's Defence Correspondent.
Since Dog Soldiers came out, all SAS weapons are loaded with silver bullets in case they meet real werewolves.
To prepare for his role as Henno Garvey in Ultimate Force, actor Ross Kemp practised milling with his wife - flame haired editrix Rebekah Wade. Unfortunately he lost and was RTU'd to Eastenders. [Did Rebekah get through selection?]
David Stirling, the SAS founder, had a pet hamster called Bismark.
Andy McNab now runs an Anne Summers franchise in Brighton.
Trooper Jimbo 'The Hatchet' Johnson's autobiography On The  In Hereford has been turned down by 37 publishers.
My Dad was in the SAS.
During the Malayan Emergency the SAS were known by the Communist guerrillas as 'The Moustaches from Hell'.
The Sultan of Oman owes the SAS a few beers... probably a brewery - and an ale named after them too. I would like a pint of Special Ale Service please barman. Sounds good to me anyway.
The SAS spelt backwards is SAS.
The real Iranian Embassy siege only lasted two minutes. The TV footage was a dramatised re-enactment for the cameras.
During the Falklands Conflict the SAS pioneered the use of specially trained exploding penguins.
In the first Gulf War the SAS pioneered the use of laser-guided specially-trained exploding 'smart' camels.
The SAS are wanted for questioning by the World Wildlife Fund, the RSPCA and David Attenborough.
'A Fresher Sod' is an anagram of SAS Hereford.
Most people in the town of Hereford have eleven toes and play the theme tune from the film Deliverance on the banjo.
SAS is an anagram of ASS.
The SAS drink Scrumpy. Lots of it.
The SAS drink anything. Lots of it.
The Australian SAS have a mounted Kangaroo Squadron.
The Iranian SAS don't exist.
More soldiers have been RTU'd from Hereford than have actually served in the army since 1624.
SAS initiation rituals include eating the torso of a child, drowning spaniel puppies and drinking a whole bottle of cider... Fackin Nails!
Colour blindness is reason for RTU, as not correctly quoting the colour of the Boathouse is a security breach.
SAS soldiers carry a tampon with them in their first aid pack, it has many uses.
SAS soldiers also carry condoms for water collection in an emergency, allegedly.
The SAS selection process includes escaping in a Mondeo through a chemical plant full of obstacles. Hardly fair for those who have no driving licence.
The SAS are famous for the 'double-tap'. This is where they tap you on the shoulder not once, but twice to gain your attention.
The Polish SAS are also famous for 'double-taps'. They are all cross trained as plumbers.
It is claimed that the SAS are so well-trained in covert operations, that a single soldier can steal a 24 pack of Wifebeater from Netto, drink it, and put the empty box back before anyone notices it's gone.
Instead of the biscuits brown, SAS members receive 2 packets of Iced Gems in their specially made ration packs.
Amongst their most famous ex-members is The Leprechaun of Death.
The SAS have an OP watching Gray's Lane, Ashtead. It's still there... in case the NIMBYs get snotty again.
SAS men are trained to eat Ferrero Rocher at Ambassadors' receptions without attracting attention.
The SAS, and their sister organisation the SBS, are blamed for the Army-wide shortage of 'Black Nasty'. This is the tape they use to cover their eyes when they see photographers around.
A lucrative living can be made by any paparazzo with the foresight to carry Elastoplast when photographing the SAS or SBS.
John Smeaton has been asked by the SAS to give a presentation on 'Putting The Boot In - a Scottish method for dealing with Islam's muppets'.
The tabloid rumours about the SAS almost catching bin Laden in the Tora Boras are actually all true. Afterwards, the President personally phoned the SAS squad in the mountains and told them to wait for the US Marines. The SAS decided to go into the caves and challenge bin Laden and his Al Qaeda cronies to a game of cribbage. Luckily, Colour Sergeant Mabelle Farthington, the first 65 year-old woman allowed to join the elite unit, had just competed in a tournament at the Credenhill Village Hall where she was announced cribbage champion of Herefordshire county. Safe to say Mabelle was up for the challenge and bin Laden suffered a devastating defeat. Unfortunately bin Laden escaped unnoticed during Mabelle's shuffling cards for the next round. He has not been seen since, yet some believe he died from humiliation shortly after the ordeal.
After recent problems with pikeys stealing the Golden Gates to Heaven, St. Peter has called upon G squadron to set up a recce just inside the gates. Thus far, one hundred and twenty-seven pikeys, three pawn store owners, seven nuns, a bishop, twelve vicars, and Moses on a drunken bender have been captured. St. Peter has expressed his joy at the SAS's success and is asking them to train a force to stay permanently. "Sources" close to God say His Holiness is very pleased with the results.
The highest rate of service divorce is attributed to the SAS - spouses often blaming the training. Marge McNab [No not that one, the another one, honest.] said 'Our sex life is rubbish. 'He is trained to get in and out without anyone noticing, including me!'
A certain number of ex-SAS men meet once a year to discuss book deals and creative writing styles. Head of the long page literary group (LPLG) Chris 'I've killed hundreds' Ryan was unable to attend the last meeting as he had severe pen flash: a type of burn from writing so much, so quickly. 4 Phil:).
During Desert Storm, one sergeant who led an ill-fated patrol was once heard to say "The pen is mightier than the M16 203".
The SAS is so hard that Ultimate Force DVDs can double as ballistic plates... no, seriously!
Selection is not the British army's hardest course to pass. The catering course is. To date no-one has passed.
The lads NEVER discuss operations in the pubs and clubs around the city of Hereford. I have never heard them do so and would not know what to listen out for either.
Teams of four, eight and sometimes twelve guys do not go on the and pose around making it obvious just who they are.
They do not try to out psyche anybody foolish enough to stare at them and they never ever wear discrete but oh so obvious military hardware that just cannot be obtained anywhere else except from the QM's stores up at the base! All this is strictly tongue in cheek by the way. Love ya really guys. It's just that most of us - after military service - just faded into the background and got on with the rest of our lives!
Contrary to popular belief, SQMS in 'Them' do not issue long droopy moustaches along with MP5s - this has to be 'grown'. But the moustache will only grow once the trooper has evaded capture for three months or longer.
All ex 'Them' do not drive round their local village in '90 landies' sliding round corners into parking slots then diving from their vehicles into a perfect forward roll, just to post a letter to their moms.
Contrary to popular belief, 'They' do stag like everyone else. 'They' can sometimes be seen wandering aimlessly (in slow motion) around the perimeter fence in groups of four or six - in full black rig - with shotguns over their shoulders. Sometimes encountered on the pan for no apparent reason, complete with background music.
There are at least five undercover SAS operatives signing on at any UK Job Centre, all going under the alias Andy McNab. At least two of them will confess to being Second Man On The Balcony on any job application form.
The Baron of Castleshort was almost definitely, probably once nearly a member of the SAS, and is the proud owner of an SAS beret which he bought after not passing selection.
I have a mate who designed a land rover for the SAS. He is also good mates with Loft Wiseman.
Yes I thought it was b ++cks until I saw the photos of the land rover and him with lofty. one wife.......livid
Last edited by ad15 on 21st Sep 2009 8:31 pm. Edited 1 time in total
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 21st Sep 2009 7:39 pm |
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Bill Wright
Member Since: 03 Nov 2007
Location: Glorious Devon
Posts: 3254
  
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Very good AD15. The cooks are the only ones in the world who can burn water.
Bill Wright
Per Mare Per Terram Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
D4 SDV6 SE Tech Kaikoura Stone MY15.
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| 21st Sep 2009 7:48 pm |
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Stu
Member Since: 08 Feb 2009
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 2423
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I have a mate who designed a land rover for the SAS. He is also good mates with Loft Wiseman.
Yes I thought it was b cks until I saw the photos of the land rover and him with lofty. D3 HSE MY05 Auto
Expo Rack, Club MTR, LR Spots, A Bar, Light Guards, GNVP Sump Guard, GNVP Ladder, Cup Holders, RLD A Bar brackets. Disco3Club stickers, Aux power on Mod
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| 21st Sep 2009 8:30 pm |
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ad15
Member Since: 14 Dec 2008
Location: up that tree
Posts: 4866
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cheers stu. 
have added that one to the list..... one wife.......livid
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| 21st Sep 2009 8:32 pm |
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kevi
Member Since: 18 Mar 2006
Location: in the rhondda valleys
Posts: 945
 
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Ross Kemp should be rtu'd to eastenders , looks well ard in that  Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
2 Too many seats now
No trouble so far
tow pack, tasmods sills
IT goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows
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| 21st Sep 2009 9:09 pm |
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Dexter
Member Since: 21 Sep 2007
Location: Aberdeenshire
Posts: 1391
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It's also the case that anyone in anyway previously connected to the armed forces automatically becomes an honorary ex SAS (or SBS - their choice) member should they take up an alternative career in the offshore oil and gas industry. Obviousy this means there are about 5 ex SAS members on each offshore installation / rig.
Luv it - funny stuff
Dex
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| 22nd Sep 2009 8:51 am |
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Bill Wright
Member Since: 03 Nov 2007
Location: Glorious Devon
Posts: 3254
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Yeah. You're right. it's great to listen to their tales of derring do and then gradually demolish them with difficult questions about the who, what, why where and when, regimental numbers and other snippets that they haven't a clue about. They're referred to as 'Walts' short for Walter Mitty. People ask why they do it? It's because they've never done it!
Bill Wright Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
D4 SDV6 SE Tech Kaikoura Stone MY15.
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| 22nd Sep 2009 9:16 am |
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BORDER ROVER
Member Since: 03 Dec 2007
Location: Cumbria
Posts: 1105
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POT NOODLE NAVIGATION CHALLENGE 2010 WINNER
Club Sankey
Club pie and peas
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| 22nd Sep 2009 9:22 am |
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DiscoDunc
Member Since: 08 May 2006
Location: Bristol
Posts: 16390
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i used to be in the SAS until I moved into IT Sales Duncan
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If I'd known I was going to be so thirsty this morning I'd have drunk more beer last night.
FFRR Autobiography 4.4 SDV8 MY17
D4 HSE MY13 SOLD
FFRR 3.6 Vogue TDV8 SOLD
D4 HSE MY10 SOLD
D4 SE TECH MY15 SOLD
D4 XS MY12 SOLD
D4 HSE MY10 SOLD
D3 HSE MY06 - Re-Cycled Worldwide
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| 22nd Sep 2009 9:54 am |
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SJR
Member Since: 09 Aug 2006
Location: East Manchester
Posts: 4030
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DiscoDunc wrote:i used to be in the SAS until I moved into IT Sales
Was that the Radisson SAS  I believe that every human has a finite number of heart-beats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Buzz Aldrin (1930 -
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| 22nd Sep 2009 10:02 am |
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al cope
Member Since: 08 Nov 2005
Location: Oldbury, WM
Posts: 10297
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Stormed the bar at 2 in the morning in there many a time
Al Volvo XC90 B5 Plus Dark
Gone - MY18 D5 HSE - Corris on 22's with Black Pack
Now gone - MY16 D4 SE Tech, Loire Blue, Almond Leather, Privacy, plus some other goodies.
Old - MY12 D4 SDV6 XS Auto - Ipanema Sand with Almond Leather - Plus other niceties, and D4.com sticker
Older - D3 TDV6 XS Auto - Lugano Teal with Almond Leather, 20" Stormers, Shiny Tailpipes, DVD/TV - and obligatory D3 sticker
Ancient - D3 TDV6 S - Tonga with Ebony, 20" Stormers, satnav & DVD
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| 22nd Sep 2009 11:06 am |
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AndrewS
Tarquin of the Desert
Member Since: 06 May 2005
Location: Y...... because I can
Posts: 10438
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I am in the SAS I must be because I live close to Hereford, but I dont like talking bout it. In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
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| 22nd Sep 2009 11:13 am |
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DiscoDunc
Member Since: 08 May 2006
Location: Bristol
Posts: 16390
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SJR wrote:DiscoDunc wrote:i used to be in the SAS until I moved into IT Sales
Was that the Radisson SAS
nope  Duncan
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If I'd known I was going to be so thirsty this morning I'd have drunk more beer last night.
FFRR Autobiography 4.4 SDV8 MY17
D4 HSE MY13 SOLD
FFRR 3.6 Vogue TDV8 SOLD
D4 HSE MY10 SOLD
D4 SE TECH MY15 SOLD
D4 XS MY12 SOLD
D4 HSE MY10 SOLD
D3 HSE MY06 - Re-Cycled Worldwide
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| 22nd Sep 2009 11:22 am |
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JF Lux
Member Since: 08 Sep 2007
Location: A little country in Europe
Posts: 3522
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I once had a girlfriend that lived in Hereford...actually I was also in the SAS and she was my cover story when I needed to travel up there from London... The next American ex-pat that calls it a "truck" is going to find out what 2.7 tons feels like on their foot...
Club "yes, I too have had the EGR's replaced..."
Club "yes, I too have had the compressor replaced..."
Club "yes, I too once had the car at the dealer for a couple of weeks nearly 4 weeks over 4 weeks...5 weeks"
Club "yes, I too have had EPB failure..."
Club "yes, I too get mysterious bings and bongs..."
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| 22nd Sep 2009 11:59 am |
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ad15
Member Since: 14 Dec 2008
Location: up that tree
Posts: 4866
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she must have been a big girl......... one wife.......livid
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| 22nd Sep 2009 12:03 pm |
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