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al cope
Member Since: 08 Nov 2005
Location: Oldbury, WM
Posts: 10297
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A young couple was making passionate love in the back of the man's van when, suddenly, the girl (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out, "Oh, big boy, whip me! Whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously didn't have any whips to hand but, in a flash of inspiration, opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are beginning to fester a bit so she goes to her doctor. The medico takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is somewhat taken aback and embarrassedly admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor says, "I thought so because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
Al
OK - you can groan now  Volvo XC90 B5 Plus Dark
Gone - MY18 D5 HSE - Corris on 22's with Black Pack
Now gone - MY16 D4 SE Tech, Loire Blue, Almond Leather, Privacy, plus some other goodies.
Old - MY12 D4 SDV6 XS Auto - Ipanema Sand with Almond Leather - Plus other niceties, and D4.com sticker
Older - D3 TDV6 XS Auto - Lugano Teal with Almond Leather, 20" Stormers, Shiny Tailpipes, DVD/TV - and obligatory D3 sticker
Ancient - D3 TDV6 S - Tonga with Ebony, 20" Stormers, satnav & DVD
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 18th Sep 2009 1:19 pm |
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bigdave
Site Sponsor
Member Since: 04 Jul 2008
Location: Cornwall
Posts: 9868
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E-mail [email protected]
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| 18th Sep 2009 1:20 pm |
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heine
Member Since: 07 Feb 2007
Location: Midrand
Posts: 4054
  
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| 18th Sep 2009 1:26 pm |
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ad15
Member Since: 14 Dec 2008
Location: up that tree
Posts: 4866
 
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and as it's friday
Police Complaint - just brilliant!
> This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public
> A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written......
>
> --------------
> Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
> Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
>
> Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
>
> As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
>
> Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
> This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
>
> The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
>
> I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
> If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
>
> Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
>
> What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
>
> I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
>
> I remain your obedient servant
> ???????
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Mr ??????,
>
> I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
>
> As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
>
> Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
>
> Regards
> PC ???????
> Community Beat Officer
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Dear PC ???????
> First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
>
> 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
>
> Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
>
> May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
>
> Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
>
> The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
>
> Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
>
> Regards
> ?????????
>
> P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!! one wife.......livid
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| 18th Sep 2009 1:29 pm |
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ad15
Member Since: 14 Dec 2008
Location: up that tree
Posts: 4866
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and from just up the road too, i can picture the conversation and accent etc. be funny as one wife.......livid
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| 18th Sep 2009 2:49 pm |
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ad15
Member Since: 14 Dec 2008
Location: up that tree
Posts: 4866
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Sperm bank in China
In this country, donating blood you get a cup of tea and
a couple of biscuits.
For donating sperm you get a small cubicle a plastic pot and a magazine......
In China you get ................
Photo removed one wife.......livid
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| 18th Sep 2009 2:54 pm |
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Popelka
Member Since: 31 May 2008
Location: Praha (Prague)
Posts: 2430
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the Horizon.
He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop- dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out
a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. 'Faith and begorrah,' said the castaway, 'that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?' asked the blonde
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. ' 'Tis nectar of the gods!' shouted the Irishman. ' 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!' Experience is a difficult teacher, because she gives the test first and then the lesson afterwards!!!!
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| 18th Sep 2009 6:13 pm |
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PaulP
Member Since: 04 May 2007
Location: Barcelona
Posts: 4317
 
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ad15 wrote:
In China you get ................
Photo removed
Is this part of the joke about communist censorship or has your photo been modded as it was too naughty?  2006 Discovery 3 TDV6 SE Auto Buckingham Blue
2007 Golf GT DSG
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| 18th Sep 2009 6:17 pm |
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MacLeod 313
Member Since: 18 Apr 2008
Location: away
Posts: 10723
 
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 its in his gallery
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| 18th Sep 2009 7:02 pm |
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ad15
Member Since: 14 Dec 2008
Location: up that tree
Posts: 4866
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 sorry mods..
the pic is in my gallery, it's pretty obvious which one...  one wife.......livid
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| 18th Sep 2009 8:01 pm |
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DG
Site Moderator
Member Since: 12 Dec 2005
Location: The Gaff
Posts: 50934
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Ad... it really should go from there as well as there are young site users who may stumble upon it  21 year LR veteran > D2 GS 2003 > D3 S 2006 > D3 HSE 2009 > D4 HSE 2013 > D4 HSE 2015 > D5 HSE 2018 > DS HSE R-Dynamic P300e 2021
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| 18th Sep 2009 8:07 pm |
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ad15
Member Since: 14 Dec 2008
Location: up that tree
Posts: 4866
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HUGE apologies to anyone that may have been offended by the picture i inserted earlier,
didn't think about the fact that some of you have kids that may be on here too.
no offence intended..
I'm in the naughty corner if needed..
 one wife.......livid
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| 18th Sep 2009 8:08 pm |
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